Dear Bertha,
I’m pondering a question, and thought I would pose it to our readers. My relationship with your husband seems to be heading for a new level, so it is weighing on my mind. I think it’s on his, too.
What’s more honorable, to leave a marriage because you are in love with someone else, or to stay with your spouse because they are ill and you promised?
Oliver won’t leave you because you are sick. He’s in love with me.
What is the more honorable choice?
~Constance
Your husband’s lover
To stay with your sick wife who you promised to spend your life with.
I try to put myself in her position — would I want a husband who is there out of obligation? Would you?
Yes, I would because marriage is a contractual obligation. It’s about more than lust and even love. It’s about making a commitment to another soul, a binding contract between two people and God.
Sometimes the terms of the contract are broken, like when one partner commits adultery, that would be grounds to terminate the marriage contract. But it does not have to be broken.
The married man your trying to steal away obviously feels an obligation to his wife, and rightly so. He made her a promise of love in sickness and in health, richer or poorer for as long as they both shall live. He’s a cheating husband, if it had not been with you it would have been with someone else.
I only hope that he will eventually see the damage he’s not only doing to himself but to his innocent wife and to you as well. Can’t you see that you are just a pawn in his game?
I bet his wife believes they are happily married. I only say this based on your post. You sound like a nice person overall, I hope you can find a man who’s not married to fall in love with.
I also hope you seek therapy to figure out why you are fixated on a married man.
You are correct that some people, and some religious denominations, view marriage as a contract. You are doing something in consideration of something else. Kind of like buying a car. It’s a bit distasteful, when you think about it.
Oliver has obviously broken certain terms of the marriage contract to Bertha. Of course she has broken certain terms of the contract, also. The same occurred in my own marriage. My husband broke terms of the contract and so did I. The question is, are certain terms more important than others, or all of them created equal? For example, does a spouse mooching off the other and taking advantage of them financially equal adultery? Is adultery worse than financial exploitation? Is it worse than physical or emotional abuse?
What makes you think Bertha is innocent?
I don’t believe Oliver is playing a game, and who is whose pawn?
I’m not “fixated” on Oliver because he is married. We both were married when we met. We fell in love. It would have been much easier if we were single, but we were not. I don’t need a man to be happy, nor do I need to be in love. I happen to be in love, and loving Oliver makes me happy.
I am in the same situation and I struggle with that everyday. I wish it were an easier choice. Do I follow my heart, or honor my commitment?
What would you do if your lover asked you to leave? Gave you an ultimatum?
If it were to leave to be with her I would go!
If it means I would get to spend forever with her I would go:)
You don’t think she would want you forever?
Right now she is married also:( What a mess!!
I let go of the man who was sick, (though he is living in my sofa), I couldnt take care of him and felt he deserved someone who can take care of him completely withiout developing hate. Its a relief to be able to love someone without having the burden of taking care of someone you really dont love and eventually you’ll end up hating them for taking away your happiness to be with someone else. The most honorable decision is doing whats right for you and not lying to yourself.
That’s what I did, angelmorals. I left my marriage — it took a long time, and a lot of courage — because lying to myself and to my husband got to be too much to handle. But my husband was healthy (physically, anyway). I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to leave someone who is ill. The guilt, the criticism from family and colleagues. Aside from the human side of staying with someone disabled, there’s the reputation hit you are going to take if you leave them. Did you experience this?
Yes, and No… the people who did look down didnt understand that I couldnt take care of him any more… However, I think what bothered them most was that he is now living down stairs… but thats only because if I do kick him out he would end up on the streets sleeping under the FWYs and dead in several months. I couldnt bring myself to cancel his health insurance and knowing he had no where to go. He has no money, no friends, no family and probably doesnt have much to live. So the people who looked down at me can say all they want but I am not staying in the situation because its the moral thing to do. I wish he would leave my home not going to lie. My family and close friends didnt say much for they stop seeing him several years before. I stop taking him to our functions. So they were use to not seeing him around me. Besides I stop caring what others thought for they werent in my situation and can never understand that its hard to take care of someone you don’t love. If I cared what others thought of me I wouldnt be in love with a married man. Its taken me over 30 years to find the man who stole my heart and I am not about to give it up.
I can certainly understand not wanting to give up the man that stole your heart. I’m right there with you.
Don’t you think it would be more honourable of him to give his wife the option of whether she wants him in ‘her’ life? Would she want him knowing he could give her an STD by dipping his cock into you? He’s very sneaky!!! Her sexual health is at risk!!!! being that you have also slept with others not just her husband. She has no idea she’s in an ‘Open Marraige’ because Oliver is too much of a coward hiding under his delusional cloak of honour. Holy Crap! Please stop this madness, get him to confess to loving you so his trusting wife can make an informed decision whether she wants to continue in thier union. It’s so truly sad to see people getting so much satisfaction from deceiving someone.
Jacquie,
I would absolutely love it if Bertha were dump Oliver. I think she knows about me and sticks around anyway. The paycheck is pretty good, and he’s a nice guy. They are two people who hold on to one another because they think it’s the right thing to do. As for the cock-dipping, what makes you think Bertha isn’t seeing someone else? I could say the same thing, that she is endangering MY health by sleeping with someone else. All four of us could be passing around cooties. In case you missed it, Why He Cheats explains that Oliver started seeing me because he believed Bertha was seeing someone else. The last time I stayed at their house while she was gone he believed she was with someone else. Why does everyone assume that a betrayed spouse is completely innocent?
As for my sex life — yes, I was dating other people for a while. I practiced safe sex. I’m not seeing anyone else now and I don’t intend to do so. But just because she’s the wife, don’t make the mistake of thinking she’s blameless, disease-free and faithful.
And neither of us derive any kind of satisfaction from deceiving anyone. I left my husband and confessed because I couldn’t live the lie. Oliver struggles with it every day. It’s not easy. We wouldn’t be here if we didn’t genuinely love one another, and care about Bertha, too.